Honey, I Shrunk The House

When did my house start shrinking? I remember when we first moved in and it seemed almost big. So much empty space, more rooms than we needed, and places to store things. Now I can't open a cupboard or walk up a flight of stair without running into a doll. "Be quiet, my dolls are sleeping in their bed."

"My mistake, I thought that was the china cabinet. Do they need a playhouse? I could just move the TV out on the lawn. Calm down, I was just joking."

It doesn't seem to matter what we do either. We have toy boxes and rubber made containers for their toys. All of which seem to be full yet the house is still one big toy obstacle course. I'm convinced the toys are reproducing somehow. I swear I've heard cheesy porno music coming from the toy boxes. I also believe they can walk or at the very least crawl. The kids can't possibly be the ones putting toys directly in the paths I most often take at night, can they? Sitting in their bed and asking me to get them a drink in the middle of the night and then waiting anxiously for the inevitable crash to follow. I stub my toe on a doll and stumble down the stairs as I hear laughter coming from her room. "I got you daddy. That was a good one."

"Yeah, you got me. See how funny you find it when I come back with your drink and a Halloween mask on."

It's not just the storage though. I got home from work last night to find my bed full. I had to try and maneuver my way into a spot among the two kids and my wife. After we all staked out our spots on the king size bed there was no room left for the dog. He chose to sleep in the closet rather than fight for some space. I think he might actually have been the smart one of the bunch. We've got three bedrooms, a crib, and four bed set up in our house but the four of us were squeezed into the same bed. The kid parent kid parent setup also made things interesting since the kids don't like having the blanket on them. I, on the other hand, prefer not to freeze my ass off.

When I asked how it came about that everyone was in the same bed I got to hear about the guilt trip that was responsible for it. "I just want someone to cuddle with. Why do I have to sleep in my bed while you cuddle Cameron to sleep?" I would have had no chance against something like that so I couldn't even be upset about her caving in. Actually, the fact she wasn't sleeping in our bed with a new doll means my wife did better than I would have.

At the rate things are going I expect by the end of the week I'll be sleeping in the closet with the dog. Hopefully he'll let me have some blankets.