Saturday, July 5, 2008

Coming Soon To A Theatre Near You

Last night we actually got to go out and see a movie. In case you're wondering, Hancock is entertaining but I don't think it's worth paying theatre prices to see. We had a couple free passes given to us as a gift so no complaints from me. Throw in the fact that we got two hours away from the kids in it may just be the best gift we've ever gotten. I now know why the credits at the end of movies go on so long. It gifts parents that much more time away from the kids. "Oh, so Fulton Singleton was the rigging grip. He did a great job."

"Excuse me sir, we need to clean up before the next showing."

"Just a minute, I'm trying to find my keys."

"They're in your hands."

"You win this round."

It was a nice escape from reality but it just reminded us more of how things were before we had kids. We'd go out to dinner or a movie whenever we wanted. If we woke up one morning and decided to drive to Montreal to see a ballgame, we could just hop in the car and go. We got to shower regularly. And then in the blink of an eye everything changed. I remember the moment like it was yesterday.

I was sitting on the couch watching tv. I was flipping channels between the Man Show and the movie Grind, a nice little comedy about four skaters who follow their idol on his summer tour in an attempt to get noticed, get sponsored, and become stars themselves. IMDB stole that synopsis from me. If you don't believe me then prove me wrong. Anyways, as I sat comfortably entertained in what I didn't realise was my last moment of not being responsible for another human being, my wife was upstairs about to have a shower. She took the opportunity to take a pregnancy test since she was about to start a new kind of medication and has always been extra cautious about that sort of thing. I wasn't aware she was taking the test so when I heard her yell "get the (expletive deleted) up her now!", I had no idea what was going on. She showed me the positive test, explained how it worked and what the different lines and symbols meant. Once I comprehended what she was telling me, I looked at the test, and reacted like just about every expectant father in history has. "Well, that can't be good." I definitely defy you to prove me wrong on that one because that is word for word an exact quote. Obviously, after our initial panic wore off we were happy and excited but I think if we knew what we were in for we might have stuck with our original reactions.

Now, going anywhere is a process that has to start at least thirty minutes before we intend to leave. Diapers need to be changed, clothes generally need to be switched for clean ones, a bag of bottle, wipes, diapers and snacks needs to be prepared, and more often than not some sort of fight occurs. Parent versus child, parent versus parent, child versus child, or parent versus child versus child versus parent in some sort of Texas tornado cage match of death. Going out without the kids involves pretty much the same amount of preparation and planning. Just throw in getting someone to look after them and add the guilt you feel as you quickly make your escape out the door. That's one of the dead giveaways when it comes to spotting a parent of a young child who's out for a night without the kids, they're constantly checking their cell to make sure there's no messages for them. Other sure signs include stains on the clothes, a sense of urgency as they go about their business (almost as if they're afraid they're being followed), and scratches on the arms from when they pried the kids off on the way out.

Like I said, it was kind of nice to be reminded how carefree things used to be but I still wouldn't go back if I could. Coming home and having them get so excited that they come running is better than getting to see any number of movies or ballgames. Seeing the sitter look tired and on the verge of breaking kind of makes things better too in some sick sadistic way. Two movie tickets, popcorn and drinks, 32.17, having someone else terrorised by your kids for two hours, priceless.

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