Thursday, February 19, 2009

Barack Obama: Beacon Of Hope Or Creation Of Hype

It was kind of an exciting day around town as Barack Obama made a visit to Canada's capital. It was a highly anticipated visit since the last guy didn't realize Canada was a foreign country and the guy before that was always more into visiting places where the ladies weren't wearing parkas. Yeah, they had some issues.

Anyways, as we all know, everywhere Obama goes, hope is sure to follow. Yesterday, we got some snow. Not as much as had been forecast but a bit nonetheless. Air Force One lands and there's no more snow. A handful of flake may have had the audacity to fall during the day but I believe the secret service quickly dealt with them. Around 6 this evening, shortly after President Obama has left our air space, the snow kicked back up for 15 minutes or so. Now I'd heard all the hoopla about how he pisses sunshine and poops rainbows but I'd always been skeptical. After today I think there may be some truth to it.

The other big thing that happened today hit a little bit closer to home for us. The doctor's office called to let us know our c-section date had been moved up. With the HG and the PICC line, the plan was to book the section for the earliest possible date which was March 5. There were no openings on that day so we were booked for the 9th and put at the top of the waiting list in case someone delivered early. Sure enough someone did and a spot opened up for us. That takes the countdown from 18 days to exactly 2 weeks. The baby getting paroled early like that really put us all in an upbeat frame of mind. There's just something about getting inside that 2 week mark. Whoever the lady was that delivered early though does solidify a theory of mine though.

Barack Obama can induce labour. You honestly think it's a coincidence that he shows up in town and this woman gives birth? Not a chance. If you want further supporting evidence then just look at the pattern of births in the US over the past year. There are significant spikes the week following each of Obama's most public addresses. (Ok, I made those statistics up but you didn't actually expect me to do research did you?) Here's how it works. His words and mere presence radiates so much hope that the unborn child is drawn to it like a moth to a flame. They emerge into the world in search of the source of that overpowering aura of hopeitude (every new word has to start somewhere). That's why I think TV stations should have a warning appear on screen before the State of the Union and any other big speeches. "The following is not recommended for women who may be pregnant. If you must watch please do not stare directly at the President or listen to more than 2 consecutive minutes of his speech at any given time. If you experience contractions either proceed quickly to the nearest hospital to give birth or immediately change the channel to footage of Dick Cheney to stop the labour." I'll have to remember to send the major networks an email tomorrow. I only hope they listen.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

T-Minus 18 Days And Counting

So we're under 3 weeks to go now. I know someone who can count it down to the exact second but I think it means more to her. If I was carrying around a weight on my stomach that punched, pushed, and kicked me from the inside at all hours of the day and night I'd probably have the sort of countdown going on that would make mission control look like a kid with an advent calender. Actually, an advent calender might not be a bad idea. Sort of puts a bit of pressure on the kid but I do enjoy daily chocolates.

I had to step away for a few minutes, not that you could tell I'm sure. They were just showing the best part of the Godfather on AMC so I had to watch. Man, I wish I had arch enemies and the means to have them all wiped out while I'm at a baptism, thus solidifying my power. I probably should have prefaced that by saying "spoiler alert" but if you haven't seen the Godfather by now then it's your own damn fault.

Anyways, baby preparations have been going ahead at full speed around here. Clothes is being pulled out washed and sorted. The crib has been set up in the nursery. We've got our tiny diapers. Those things are awesome by the way. They can squeeze like a thousand of them into the same size package that holds 36 of the bigger ones. Of course, babies poop about a thousand times more often than toddlers so it evens itself out. All I'm saying is we're not going to be stuck like we were with the last youngster. On the way home from the hospital we had to stop and buy diapers, formula, bottles, and just about anything else someone with any sense would have purchased ages before. At least we weren't going through the checkout with everything while she was in labour. Cashiers get kind of weirded out when you do that.

We weren't buying baby things, it was some sort of gummy candy and chocolate i think, but we did go shopping when my wife was in labour with the first one. It was great. I'm paying while she's leaning over breathing her way through a contraction. The eleventeen year old cashier looked a little concerned until I said "oh, she's just in labour." Her expression went from concerned to one of "do I need to boil some water and get towels?" I was tempted to tell her as we left that they needed a clean up in aisle three but that probably would have been a bit much. It gave us a chuckle though. We were still laughing when we went through the McDonald's drive thru on the way to the hospital (not my idea but I wasn't against it either). Just another instance where life failed to imitate the movies. I was expecting some high speed stunt driving as we rushed to the hospital in a panic. All that time watching the Italian Job down the drain but at least the burgers were good.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Scientists Discover Giant Snake

So I was reading this article that scientists have discovered the remains of some prehistoric "monster snake" in Colombia. They say it would have been about 42 feet long and weighed 2500 lbs. As someone who's never really been a big fan of snakes I must say that's friggin' frightening. The idea of a snake who, at it's thickest point, would come up to a person's hips is a little more than I'd like to think about. A couple thoughts did occur to me though.

First, why did it take them this long to find it? It's the size of a bus. I can understand having a tough time finding the remains of tiny dinosaurs but not giant bus sized things. Unless these remains were hidden underneath the remains of a two bus sized snake then there shouldn't be any excuses. Of course, if that were the case then we wouldn't even be talking about the puny bus snake; we'd be haunted by images of the humongous double decker reticulated bus snake. Personally, I think they just have a big repository full of fossils and some guys working on them like Legos. "Here, take this box of stuff we found and see if you can put together something that'll really freak people out."

"Ok, let's see what we've got here. We just need to put together some horns, wings, a tail, and some big teeth and there we have it. The prehistoric flying beaverbull. Greg, spin the wheel so we can tell people how many millions of years ago it was around."

Of course, if I'm wrong and they actually work to piece together the remains they find without any preconceived notion then this must have been like putting together a jigsaw puzzle only to realise it spells out "I'm going to kill you".

Anyways, the other thing that occurs to me is that I owe Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube an apology for my criticism of that movie Anaconda that they did. (Samuel L. Jackson however is owed no apology because Snakes On A Plane was just stupid.) I always thought it was silly and unrealistic how big they made the snake in that movie. Turns out I was wrong. As this new discovery proves, it would have been possible for these two actor/recording artists to be attacked by a giant snake (apparently this "monster snake" was actually larger than the one in that movie). All that would be required is some sort of time machine. Of course then we get into the issue of the whole J-Lo Ice Cube space time continuum but I'll leave that to more qualified professionals like Stephen Hawking and Dr. Dre.

I guess the whole point of the story is that 50+ million years ago there were some pretty freakin' insane things roaming this planet. Thanks science, I won't have any trouble getting to sleep now.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Hard To Find World Records

So it turns out it's harder than you would think to find information about how far or fast a poop can travel. I would have thought both would be valid categories for Guinness but apparently not. Apparently, the book compiled to settle bar bets has standards. I'm sure somewhere there's some drunk college kids with access to a radar gun and tape measure who could give me an answer though.

Anyways, there is a reason why I was curious about those crappy records (puns are fun). It goes further than just general safety knowledge. How far should I stay away from a bare ass I don't trust in order to be safe and how quickly do I need to get there? As a rule, I just try to maintain a minimum 6 foot buffer zone. That's why I bring a stick that length with me when I go in the change room at the gym. I'm off topic though. My sullying of search engines stemmed from a diaper changing mishap yesterday.

Apparently, while I was at work, one of the few times I was happy to be there, our youngest was complaining of a dirty diaper. Upon further inspection, my wife found what appeared to be a tiny poop. She set up the little one for a change, not an easy task at 8 months pregnant. Once the old diaper was removed she sprung into action. What looked like a tiny poop was just the tip of the iceberg. The rest of which shot out like a big dirty bullet, bouncing off our little girl's calf. Startling by anyone's standards. Luckily, it landed neatly in the diaper and did no further damage.

I guess it just goes to show that as parents we all think our kids are the best at things. Upon hearing the story, my first reaction was I bet that's some kind of record; I should really look into that. Followed closely by my second thought; I'd better start bringing my gym stick to diaper changes. You can never tell if those things are loaded or not.