A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste

You would think that having three kids in under four years we would remember how it goes. Either my memory is crap or the lack of sleep has ruined my, umm what's the word, head thinking thingy. I want to say skull penis but that doesn't sound right. Whatever it's called, mine is not exactly working at optimum capacity.

It's been a week and half now and it's been a bit of an adjustment. I'd forgotten how much babies like to wake up at night. How often they need to be fed and how many times they poop in a given day. I think that last one is more a suppressed memory than anything else. I've changed plenty of diapers in the past 4 years but this kid can still drop a load that brings me close to the brink. Hats off to the little stinkpants.

Anyways, back to my mental deficiencies. With three kids that like to wake up at varied intervals throughout the night it can cause some confusion. My wife is in charge of actually feeding the baby 9 times out of 10, either by bottle or breast, so that leaves making bottles as my job. The problem is we've got 3 girls that all require different bottles or sippie cups as the case may be. So the other night I get woken ever so pleasantly by a crying baby, my wife's voice, and eventually a well placed shot to the ribs. She asks me to get a bottle for the middle child (who's down to spending only half the night with us). I get up and head to the bathroom to turn on the hot water, thinking I'm supposed to get a bottle for the baby which of course needs to be warmed first. Back in the bed, number 2 and mom are left totally confused. She's sitting there shaking her sippie bottle at the bathroom with a perplexed look on her face before turning to her mom and giving an "I have no idea what he's doing" shoulder shrug. Apparently, I need to start listening to exactly who I'm supposed to be getting things for before springing into action.

If I did, I wouldn't be bringing sippie cups of milk to our newborn, or scooping powdered formula into my wife's water glass. Another helpful tip is if you're going to pour formula into one of those bottles with liners, make sure there's a liner in it first. In hindsight, putting the one with a liner on the counter beside one that was empty wasn't my best idea. Not surprising though since we're being sleep starved into stupidity. With that said I should get to bed so I can get up at 2, 4, and 6 to make bottles, get milk, water, and diapers for people and of course, try to operate the microwave with my TV remote.

And Then There Were Three

So our newest little girl entered the world last Thursday. Everything went pretty well. We had to wait around a few hours. Not sure why you have to get there so early, it's not like we're taking an international flight and have to go through security or something. On the other hand, we can bring as many pairs of scissors or bottles of lotion with us as we want so it's pretty much a wash.

Anyways, having that time to wait was actually a nice little break. No one asking me to fill their sippy cup or jumping on my back when I'm not looking. Apparently, our middle child has recently made the decision that the only viable form of transportation when it comes to stairs is riding on my back. I'm like Luke Skywalker in Empire Strikes Back with my own little Yoda on my back as I traverse a swampy obstacle course. Ok, the house is actually pretty clean at the moment but you get the picture. The main differences being I don't have the power of the force and the only pearls of wisdom coming from my "Yoda" is "where my bottle be?"

Got a little distracted there. Like I was saying, we got to just relax and watch a movie while. Pineapple Express is pretty funny but if you ask my wife she'll probably say the uneasiness brought on by impending major abdominal surgery took away from the humour. I didn't get that but we don't always agree on movies. Not that we had much time to discuss it because she was taken to the O.R. soon after. The surgery went well. The doctor seemed to put a whole lot of muscle into it when needed (my wife figures he was taking out his frustrations on her) which got the job done. Before I knew it I was holding our little girl while all the king's men went about putting my wife back together again. (Debated about using the actual nursery rhyme quote there but saying Humpty Dumpty would have caused me more trouble than it was worth.) That was followed by a four hour wait in recovery caused by a combination of a body temperature issue, a shift change, and the fact that apparently only one dude in the entire place has a license to push a bed. Seriously, it was easier to find four nurses, three doctors, and an anaesthetist than it was to find someone with the rarified skill set necessary to push a bed that's on wheels. The kids are ticking away like time bombs in the waiting room anxious to meet their new sister but let's play Where's Waldo with the gurney guy.

Eventually, a couple of the nurses moved us over to a ward room where mom and baby spent a couple days. The girls got to see the baby which thrilled them to no end before they went home to crash and I got to stay over at the hospital and got the best sleep I've had in months. After a couple days both mother and child came home which is pretty badassed in my opinion. If someone cut open my stomach and took out something that weighed 7 and a half pounds, I'd be in bed for quite some time. Just point me at the tv and don't count on me for anything. Guess it's a good thing it wasn't me then.

Barack Obama: Beacon Of Hope Or Creation Of Hype

It was kind of an exciting day around town as Barack Obama made a visit to Canada's capital. It was a highly anticipated visit since the last guy didn't realize Canada was a foreign country and the guy before that was always more into visiting places where the ladies weren't wearing parkas. Yeah, they had some issues.

Anyways, as we all know, everywhere Obama goes, hope is sure to follow. Yesterday, we got some snow. Not as much as had been forecast but a bit nonetheless. Air Force One lands and there's no more snow. A handful of flake may have had the audacity to fall during the day but I believe the secret service quickly dealt with them. Around 6 this evening, shortly after President Obama has left our air space, the snow kicked back up for 15 minutes or so. Now I'd heard all the hoopla about how he pisses sunshine and poops rainbows but I'd always been skeptical. After today I think there may be some truth to it.

The other big thing that happened today hit a little bit closer to home for us. The doctor's office called to let us know our c-section date had been moved up. With the HG and the PICC line, the plan was to book the section for the earliest possible date which was March 5. There were no openings on that day so we were booked for the 9th and put at the top of the waiting list in case someone delivered early. Sure enough someone did and a spot opened up for us. That takes the countdown from 18 days to exactly 2 weeks. The baby getting paroled early like that really put us all in an upbeat frame of mind. There's just something about getting inside that 2 week mark. Whoever the lady was that delivered early though does solidify a theory of mine though.

Barack Obama can induce labour. You honestly think it's a coincidence that he shows up in town and this woman gives birth? Not a chance. If you want further supporting evidence then just look at the pattern of births in the US over the past year. There are significant spikes the week following each of Obama's most public addresses. (Ok, I made those statistics up but you didn't actually expect me to do research did you?) Here's how it works. His words and mere presence radiates so much hope that the unborn child is drawn to it like a moth to a flame. They emerge into the world in search of the source of that overpowering aura of hopeitude (every new word has to start somewhere). That's why I think TV stations should have a warning appear on screen before the State of the Union and any other big speeches. "The following is not recommended for women who may be pregnant. If you must watch please do not stare directly at the President or listen to more than 2 consecutive minutes of his speech at any given time. If you experience contractions either proceed quickly to the nearest hospital to give birth or immediately change the channel to footage of Dick Cheney to stop the labour." I'll have to remember to send the major networks an email tomorrow. I only hope they listen.

T-Minus 18 Days And Counting

So we're under 3 weeks to go now. I know someone who can count it down to the exact second but I think it means more to her. If I was carrying around a weight on my stomach that punched, pushed, and kicked me from the inside at all hours of the day and night I'd probably have the sort of countdown going on that would make mission control look like a kid with an advent calender. Actually, an advent calender might not be a bad idea. Sort of puts a bit of pressure on the kid but I do enjoy daily chocolates.

I had to step away for a few minutes, not that you could tell I'm sure. They were just showing the best part of the Godfather on AMC so I had to watch. Man, I wish I had arch enemies and the means to have them all wiped out while I'm at a baptism, thus solidifying my power. I probably should have prefaced that by saying "spoiler alert" but if you haven't seen the Godfather by now then it's your own damn fault.

Anyways, baby preparations have been going ahead at full speed around here. Clothes is being pulled out washed and sorted. The crib has been set up in the nursery. We've got our tiny diapers. Those things are awesome by the way. They can squeeze like a thousand of them into the same size package that holds 36 of the bigger ones. Of course, babies poop about a thousand times more often than toddlers so it evens itself out. All I'm saying is we're not going to be stuck like we were with the last youngster. On the way home from the hospital we had to stop and buy diapers, formula, bottles, and just about anything else someone with any sense would have purchased ages before. At least we weren't going through the checkout with everything while she was in labour. Cashiers get kind of weirded out when you do that.

We weren't buying baby things, it was some sort of gummy candy and chocolate i think, but we did go shopping when my wife was in labour with the first one. It was great. I'm paying while she's leaning over breathing her way through a contraction. The eleventeen year old cashier looked a little concerned until I said "oh, she's just in labour." Her expression went from concerned to one of "do I need to boil some water and get towels?" I was tempted to tell her as we left that they needed a clean up in aisle three but that probably would have been a bit much. It gave us a chuckle though. We were still laughing when we went through the McDonald's drive thru on the way to the hospital (not my idea but I wasn't against it either). Just another instance where life failed to imitate the movies. I was expecting some high speed stunt driving as we rushed to the hospital in a panic. All that time watching the Italian Job down the drain but at least the burgers were good.

Scientists Discover Giant Snake

So I was reading this article that scientists have discovered the remains of some prehistoric "monster snake" in Colombia. They say it would have been about 42 feet long and weighed 2500 lbs. As someone who's never really been a big fan of snakes I must say that's friggin' frightening. The idea of a snake who, at it's thickest point, would come up to a person's hips is a little more than I'd like to think about. A couple thoughts did occur to me though.

First, why did it take them this long to find it? It's the size of a bus. I can understand having a tough time finding the remains of tiny dinosaurs but not giant bus sized things. Unless these remains were hidden underneath the remains of a two bus sized snake then there shouldn't be any excuses. Of course, if that were the case then we wouldn't even be talking about the puny bus snake; we'd be haunted by images of the humongous double decker reticulated bus snake. Personally, I think they just have a big repository full of fossils and some guys working on them like Legos. "Here, take this box of stuff we found and see if you can put together something that'll really freak people out."

"Ok, let's see what we've got here. We just need to put together some horns, wings, a tail, and some big teeth and there we have it. The prehistoric flying beaverbull. Greg, spin the wheel so we can tell people how many millions of years ago it was around."

Of course, if I'm wrong and they actually work to piece together the remains they find without any preconceived notion then this must have been like putting together a jigsaw puzzle only to realise it spells out "I'm going to kill you".

Anyways, the other thing that occurs to me is that I owe Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube an apology for my criticism of that movie Anaconda that they did. (Samuel L. Jackson however is owed no apology because Snakes On A Plane was just stupid.) I always thought it was silly and unrealistic how big they made the snake in that movie. Turns out I was wrong. As this new discovery proves, it would have been possible for these two actor/recording artists to be attacked by a giant snake (apparently this "monster snake" was actually larger than the one in that movie). All that would be required is some sort of time machine. Of course then we get into the issue of the whole J-Lo Ice Cube space time continuum but I'll leave that to more qualified professionals like Stephen Hawking and Dr. Dre.

I guess the whole point of the story is that 50+ million years ago there were some pretty freakin' insane things roaming this planet. Thanks science, I won't have any trouble getting to sleep now.

Hard To Find World Records

So it turns out it's harder than you would think to find information about how far or fast a poop can travel. I would have thought both would be valid categories for Guinness but apparently not. Apparently, the book compiled to settle bar bets has standards. I'm sure somewhere there's some drunk college kids with access to a radar gun and tape measure who could give me an answer though.

Anyways, there is a reason why I was curious about those crappy records (puns are fun). It goes further than just general safety knowledge. How far should I stay away from a bare ass I don't trust in order to be safe and how quickly do I need to get there? As a rule, I just try to maintain a minimum 6 foot buffer zone. That's why I bring a stick that length with me when I go in the change room at the gym. I'm off topic though. My sullying of search engines stemmed from a diaper changing mishap yesterday.

Apparently, while I was at work, one of the few times I was happy to be there, our youngest was complaining of a dirty diaper. Upon further inspection, my wife found what appeared to be a tiny poop. She set up the little one for a change, not an easy task at 8 months pregnant. Once the old diaper was removed she sprung into action. What looked like a tiny poop was just the tip of the iceberg. The rest of which shot out like a big dirty bullet, bouncing off our little girl's calf. Startling by anyone's standards. Luckily, it landed neatly in the diaper and did no further damage.

I guess it just goes to show that as parents we all think our kids are the best at things. Upon hearing the story, my first reaction was I bet that's some kind of record; I should really look into that. Followed closely by my second thought; I'd better start bringing my gym stick to diaper changes. You can never tell if those things are loaded or not.

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

So it's been a while since I posted anything. I wish I could say I've been using my time productively or that it was important stuff that's kept me busy but I'd be lying. The usual duties or parenting, working, and baby arrival preparation has kept us occupied but mostly it's been laziness, procrastination, and a serious addiction to BaseballBoss that's been working against me. Honestly, a free online game that involves collecting virtual baseball cards and pitting the stars of differing eras against each other in simulated games? They might as well have gotten me hooked on crack

Anyways, a rather noteworthy point was brought to light last week. As of this week, we can now register our oldest for four year old kindergarten. WTF? Four years ago we had no kids at all and now we're on the verge of having a child in school? Not to mention the fact we'll have three kids by the time she starts school. Not even half a decade passes and I go from having minimal responsibilities in my late twenties to having three kids and being in my early thirties. Stupid less than 100% effective birth control.

She goes to nursery school one day a week now but that just doesn't seem as big as kindergarten. Having to get up, get dressed, eat and get to school on time every day? I'm not sure I can handle that. Seriously, I'm generally late for work at least once a week and now I'm going to be responsible for getting her to school on time? I highly doubt I'm the most qualified person for the job on this one. Luckily, her mom is used to working in schools so she'll be taking point on this particular mission. Once her mat leave is up and she goes back to work though, who knows what's going to happen. It's lucky that we only live about a block and a half from the school she'll be going to because I expect to have to sprint there with three kids in tow at least a couple times a week when I take over. Guess I'll have to start hitting the treadmill to make sure I'm in shape when that time comes. Of course, the bigger issue about starting school is that she firmly believes she's going to be driving herself to school on the first day in an electric pink Barbie car. I wonder if Avis or Hertz rents those things.