Confessions Of An HG Husband

Hyperemesis sucks. The constant nausea and difficulty keeping liquids or solids down has wiped my wife out. She's only been dehydrated once so far but she's pretty much been knocked on her ass. Even little things exhaust her and just about any time she eats it's followed by a nap as she tries to keep from vomiting. We knew what we were getting into after going through this twice already but it's still a struggle. It's left us wondering what we were thinking on more than one occasion. Speaking from the point of view of a husband of and HG wife, I've got to say it takes a lot out of everyone involved.

Yes, it means more of the household responsibilities are up to me. I actually gave the kids a bath last week which I think brings the grand total of times I've flown solo on that to four, maybe. It can also be a bit much to have them constantly pulling at me and asking for things. It certainly means it takes longer to post one of these things. Apparently watching daddy type is not what they consider "quality time". Throw in making sure mommy's got everything she needs and it can take a toll. We're lucky that we've got family around us that's very helpful and supportive though which is nice. In my opinion though, HG does have its upside.

When I say it has an upside I'm strictly talking about me. I can't imagine what the positive of actually having this could be and I'm thankful I don't have it. Since I'm not the one in a constant state of nausea induced exhaustion let me tell you what the benefits are for me. For starters, when the kids finally get to sleep and it's time to just relax and watch TV, there's very little debate about what we watch. "What do you want to watch? Oh, you're asleep already. Ultimate fighting it is then." Little tips for HG husbands, if she's awake just let her watch whatever show she wants. Two minutes into Ugly Betty or that show where the couple has eight youngsters and she'll be asleep. The remote is then all yours and you still get credit for being supportive. Thanks to that I've had lots of extra time to get reacquainted with old friends like Seinfeld or Kenny vs. Spenny. I've even gotten into Entourage. I'm not really sure what it is about that show that appeals to me but it's on at least one channel just about all the time which is nice. Also, with the help of the baby monitor, I can keep track of how everyone is doing while I spend time in the basement playing video games. My thumb is starting to toughen up again. If we didn't have kids I can't even imagine how much time I'd have for the things I like to do.

Added free time isn't the only good thing. There's also the food. There's only a select few things she can manage to keep down. At the moment that's pretty much just ketchup chips and croissants with jam. Most other things she can't even be around. That of course leaves just me and the kids at mealtime. It means I have to cook usually but it also means more food for me. The kids hardly ever finish everything on their plates which leaves the rest for me. Provided they haven't turned it into something too disgusting, it could mean quite a feast for me. We also save on grocery bills since we're not going through quite as much food. Another tip for the husbands, buy a few things you know your wife enjoys but that you like too. Odds are she's not going to be able to eat much of it, if any, which leaves a nice little treat for you but you still get the credit for being thoughtful. "If you're too nauseous I guess I could eat that whole cheesecake. The smell of those mozzarella sticks makes you feel sick too? I'll get rid of them for you then." I didn't learn that one the first pregnancy and I actually lost about 15 lbs or so. She couldn't eat much or stand the smell of most foods so I didn't eat as much as normal either. Having kids that need to be fed makes a difference though. Like I said, I get to eat my meal and finish off theirs most times. It's a win win.

Finally, there's the big advantage of HG. It's not my wife's fault that she can't do as much around the house. She's very sick and does as much as she can. (For the record, she does more than I would do if I was in her shoes. I'd be on my back all day long soaking all the pity I could.) It does leave more for me to do around here and that results in one thing, guilt. She feels guilty about not being able to help as much. That guilt just keeps increasing. Think of it as a high interest bank account that you get to cash in at the end. I'm hoping my account will add up to a new gaming system so keep your fingers crossed. That leads me to my final HG husband tip, always make it look difficult. Even if you find it easy, make it look a little bit difficult. You don't want to make it look so tough that she feels horrible, just enough to cause a little bit of guilt. It will also make your wife feel better about herself as a mom when she sees you struggling to do something she does easily on a daily basis. Guilt plus increased self esteem, that's a winning combination.

So it's a very long tough journey getting through an HG pregnancy. It takes a tole on everyone involved. If you're an HG husband though it doesn't have to be all bad, provided you handle it right. You can have free time to watch sports or play video games. You can pretty much eat whatever you want as long as you do it discretely. And ultimately you can bank a nice little guilt account that you can cash in later on. If it wasn't for the horrible, life threatening illness part, it'd be great for everyone involved.

Always Read Warning Labels

Why do kids think it's ok to put anything they find in their mouths? I guess tasting something is one of the quickest ways of finding out if you're going to put it in the good or bad category. It's still pretty gross and so very annoying. Especially when you show poor judgement.

For instance, if you let your little girl hold onto the sunscreen spray canister. In my defense it was switched to the locked setting, which is not as secure as the name would indicate. One little twist and she was more than happy to spray some in her mouth. I imagine a sunburn to the tongue would really sting but I still think she was being a little to cautious. My wife witnessed this improper application of UV protection and immediately starts to dial poison control.

"Don't you think that's a bit hasty?"

"It says right here on the bottle to call a medical professional or poison control if ingested."

"Oh, fair enough."

"Why did you let her have it anyway?"

"It's sunscreen for kids, why wouldn't it be safe for them to handle?"

"It says right here above the poison control advise to keep out of reach of children."

"I hate you, you sunscreen container. You're just a fountain of information after the fact you smug little bastard. Where were you five minutes ago?"

Our little one didn't even cry or gag from the sunscreen so we weren't too concerned. Everything seemed to be fine which is good since my wife seemed to be on hold with poison control. Personally. with a name like poison control I'd expect them to have operators standing by. If the folks at Time/Life books can do it then why can't they? Anyways like I was saying, all seemed fine while my wife was on the phone with poison control (that really sounds bad when you say it out loud) until the little one started screaming and crying. I picked her up and was surprised to find some weird blue thing hanging from her lip. It turned out to be one of those little chip clip things which only surprised me more because I didn't even know we had any of them. I quickly got it off of her leaving her with a little cut on her lip where it had been pinched.

"Holy crap, I'm like the Inspector Clouseau of parenting right now."

While I wondered if those clip things have a warning on them, someone answered at poison control. They let us know that there wouldn't have been enough in a little spray to be harmful to her.

"You stupid canister. Why'd you get us all worked up like that if your sunscreen isn't even strong enough to harm a child? You're on thin ice so I'd watch my back if I was you."

It was all a good learning experience though. Sunscreen for children doesn't necessarily mean what you think it might. Poison control is not as urgent a place as you might imagine. And if you need someone to look after your kids, I might not be your first choice.

ER Visit #1

It's been less than two years since we dealt with pregnancy around here. It's easy to forget all the stuff that goes into it. The getting pregnant part has never been a problem for us (didn't mean for that to sound like bragging). It's the aftermath that always proves interesting. By aftermath I mean the Hyperemesis. If you're not sure what that is the click here. Also, if you don't know what it is then how the heck did you find my site in the first place?

Anyways, the HG seems to have hit full force yesterday. Suddenly the ultrasound and the concerns it raised didn't seem quite as important. After a full day of throwing up, 28 at last count, my wife made her first ER trip this pregnancy for fluids. Vomiting that much leaves you dehydrated, as well as tired and emotional. After going through this twice and spending a fair bit of time in ER's, I've got to say that can be one interesting place to be.

It's generally boring as hell but all the waiting is worth it when you get to hear about a guy who punctured his scrotum. He was walking so very gingerly and then we overheard how he'd done it by smacking into some sort of chair. Ouch. I also enjoyed the time a couple police officers brought in a guy they'd pepper sprayed. Not sure what he did but if he's smart he won't do that again. He was whining and carrying on and then one of the cops said "Quite whining. We got sprayed too and you don't see us crying about it." Classic.

I wasn't there very long last night. I spent only about 45 minutes there when I went to pick her up after work. We did get to hear a lady on the phone telling someone about the guy she came to pick up. Apparently he'd broken his ankle when he crashed into a cornfield while skydiving. In my opinion that's about the most badassed way to break a bone. You could go up to just about anyone in a cast, listen to what happened to them and go "You think that's bad, listen to this story." Unless you bump someone who hurt himself fighting a couple bears, you win. I'm sure with all the ER visits in our future we'll eventually bump into that guy. Until then, we're pretty much in maintenance mode, trying to delay her next trip to get IV fluids and sit around for hours on end listening to all the stupid and unlucky stuff that happens to people.

The Waiting Game

So we had our first ultrasound today. The first for this pregnancy that is. We had tons with the first two. Part of it is because of how sick my wife gets when she's pregnant and part of it is just because they have the fancy machine to start with. Lord knows if I had something like that I'd be using it all the friggin' time. I'd use it on everything in my house. After I was done with every last body part I could comfortably reach on myself I'd move on to food, furniture, the cupboards, it wouldn't matter. "Are we out of soup? I don't know. Just let me get the lubricating gel and I'll check."

Anyways, like I was saying, it's not the first ultrasound we've been through. The first few we were captivated. Just staring at the screen as we got our first glimpses at our little zygotes, or embryos, or whatever the right term is (I'm too lazy to look it up). By this point we only had one real question, "there's only one in there, right?" From what we're told it is just one (thank goodness). The problem is that we've had so many my wife knows how to read the screen. Even worse, she's aware of what the heart rates of our first two kids was and what's generally in the normal range. All this conspired against us when she noticed the heart rate this time was a bit below those numbers. The ultrasound lady asking if we'd ever had a miscarriage didn't help matters. In my head the answer was "WTF are you thinking?"

So of course the wait between that and when we got to see the doctor was an absolute joy. The kids running around like waiting room fighting over toys really brought a sense of calm over everyone. When the kids are really in a mood I like to take them to the waiting room at the ultrasound place and doctor's office just to freak out the expectant parents. First timers are so funny. I tried to ease my wife's concerns but I don't think she bought it. "I'm sure the kid's heart rate was like that because he's just really laid back." That got an "F you" look.

After what seemed like quite a while we finally got to see the doctor. For the record, I think our doctor is a great doctor and a really nice guy as well. We're lucky to have him. That being said, I kind of wish he'd just lied to us today. When the subject of the heart rate came up he told us that there is some evidence that links low heart rates early on with an increased risk of miscarriage. In my head, "Have you met my wife? WTF are you thinking?" Why'd we have to get the guy who knows what he's doing and answers all our questions? On the other hand, I wouldn't want to have the guy who looks at the chart and goes "Well I'm stumped. I don't know what the hell any of this means." I guess we can't have our cake and eat it too.

So we're left with three weeks until the next ultrasound and doctor visit. Hopefully the news will be better for that one. In the mean time all we can do is wait. The only advice anyone has is not to worry about it which is all you can tell someone I guess but that's easier said than done. To me that seems like telling someone who's deathly afraid of snakes that you put a giant python in a box over in the corner of the room. "I'm pretty sure I locked the box but I'm not certain. Either way, just try not to worry about it. See you in three weeks." I'm sure everything will work out but until then, waiting sucks.

Honey, I Shrunk The House

When did my house start shrinking? I remember when we first moved in and it seemed almost big. So much empty space, more rooms than we needed, and places to store things. Now I can't open a cupboard or walk up a flight of stair without running into a doll. "Be quiet, my dolls are sleeping in their bed."

"My mistake, I thought that was the china cabinet. Do they need a playhouse? I could just move the TV out on the lawn. Calm down, I was just joking."

It doesn't seem to matter what we do either. We have toy boxes and rubber made containers for their toys. All of which seem to be full yet the house is still one big toy obstacle course. I'm convinced the toys are reproducing somehow. I swear I've heard cheesy porno music coming from the toy boxes. I also believe they can walk or at the very least crawl. The kids can't possibly be the ones putting toys directly in the paths I most often take at night, can they? Sitting in their bed and asking me to get them a drink in the middle of the night and then waiting anxiously for the inevitable crash to follow. I stub my toe on a doll and stumble down the stairs as I hear laughter coming from her room. "I got you daddy. That was a good one."

"Yeah, you got me. See how funny you find it when I come back with your drink and a Halloween mask on."

It's not just the storage though. I got home from work last night to find my bed full. I had to try and maneuver my way into a spot among the two kids and my wife. After we all staked out our spots on the king size bed there was no room left for the dog. He chose to sleep in the closet rather than fight for some space. I think he might actually have been the smart one of the bunch. We've got three bedrooms, a crib, and four bed set up in our house but the four of us were squeezed into the same bed. The kid parent kid parent setup also made things interesting since the kids don't like having the blanket on them. I, on the other hand, prefer not to freeze my ass off.

When I asked how it came about that everyone was in the same bed I got to hear about the guilt trip that was responsible for it. "I just want someone to cuddle with. Why do I have to sleep in my bed while you cuddle Cameron to sleep?" I would have had no chance against something like that so I couldn't even be upset about her caving in. Actually, the fact she wasn't sleeping in our bed with a new doll means my wife did better than I would have.

At the rate things are going I expect by the end of the week I'll be sleeping in the closet with the dog. Hopefully he'll let me have some blankets.

It's Not Real?

I've never been a big one for watching the evening news. On the other hand, my wife never misses it. Not a big deal since I'm usually working when it's on. So yesterday she sat down to watch it like any other day. The kids cooperated and played in the room with her while she watched. It was a nice relaxing little treat, getting to watch some grown up TV instead of having to entertain the youngsters. Everything was going fine until they did a story about local fella who apparently made a horror movie. I guess they figured it was newsworthy because Robert Englund, the guy who played Freddy Crueger, was in the movie.

So they do their story about the movie, no big deal. The problem was that they showed a scene from the movie in the course of doing the story. I didn't see it but I'm told it was pretty graphic and very creepy. It certainly wasn't the sort of thing you'd expect a TV station to show at 6 in the evening without any sort of warning about the nature of the content. Previously, the only thing I'd see as being at all offensive on that station's evening news was the time the anchor introduced a piece about the increase in childhood obesity by talking about "the rise in the number of fat kids in today's society." I swear those were his exact words. I taped it and laughed my ass off each time I watched it. It makes me think the anchor is some sort of Ron Burgundy type who will read anything they put on the teleprompter. Anyways, my wife was so disturbed by what she saw and the fact they gave no warning that she did something she's never done before. She called the station to complain.

She emailed them first actually and then called. She spoke to some guy there and explained the situation. She mentioned the graphic nature of the images and the fact there'd been now warning. He listened to her concerns and then said the words that made me laugh so very hard when the story was relayed to me minutes later. He actually said "Well you know it's not real, right?"

My wife played the concerned parent card by answering "I know it's not real but my three year old didn't." That was probably the right way to answer but personally when I was told the story my mind began racing with possible alternative replies to his condescension. I figured I'd throw a few out there and see what you think of them.

1. Hold the phone away from her mouth and pretend to yell to the crowd around her. "Calm down, everyone calm down! I've got some good news."

2. "So I'm guessing I am the first person to call your station who wasn't a complete moron."

3. "Originally, I was upset but after talking to you now I'm more impressed you can actually operate a phone."

4. "Can I speak to your supervisor? I have a new complaint now."

5. "Not real? Are you talking about the scene or your entire newscast? Because I make a lot of decisions based on the information you guys give me."

Too bad I can't figure out a way to make a living by being a smartass.

Keep Trying

I need to do a better job of cleaning up around here. As I've said before I've made the mistake of leaving scissors, pepper, sprinkles, and who knows what else lying around. Every time it came back to bite me in the ass. Each of those just resulted in a little problem that was easily cleaned up. My tidying 'tardedness left me with something to deal with all day long just recently though.

I woke up the other day with my little girl sitting on the foot of my bed with a Toys 'R Us flyer. She was very interested in the Barbie ride on car they had on the cover. "It's got a wheel to drive with and a horn. You can put stuff in the back and the seat belt is purple." That's not the sort of thing you want to hear at 7:30 in the morning. Especially after having stayed up until 1:30 the night before watching the ballgame.

"This could be a long day.'

So we started our day, that car still the only thing she wanted to talk about. I got to hear about how it's just for little kids while we ate breakfast. I mean a snack. Heaven forbid we should tell her she's eating a meal. "Here's your snack, a grilled chicken breast, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob." After we ate, it was playtime. The kids rode on my back while they pretended I was a car. I assume she's trying to physically wear me down until I cave and buy it for her. Good luck, I'll play that game until I drop before I buy that car.

After getting a break while they played together in the big one's room, I suggested we go to the park. Always a popular idea with the youngsters. I buckled them into the double stroller and off we went. Guess what she talked about on the way there? Yep. She has big plans too.

"When I'm bigger I can drive my car. I'll drive it to school and my friends can ride in it. When I get to school I will get out and go to school."

"Did you just say you're going to drive your car to school?"

"When I'm bigger."

So she plans to drive herself to school. Part of me would love to see that. I can just imagine her being the only kid driving herself to kindergarten on the first day. Extolling the virtues of the vehicle and trying to physically beat me into submission didn't work but the complete absurdity or her plan make me lean in her direction. I think she thought she'd won too when it came time to go pick her mom up from work.

"Time to go get mom."

"Are we going somewhere after we pick up mom."

"Yes, we have to.."

"We going to go get the pink car?"

She was so hopeful that I almost felt bad about laughing. Almost. Instead I as just about in tears laughing. It helped that she found it as funny as I did. I think at that point if we'd had the money she'd be well on her way to driving to kindergarten on her first day. Guess she's got some work to do. And I need to keep the flyers out or her reach from now on.